Daily Dose of Everything

2:49pm: A short story
Wrote this a few years ago, am thinking of rehashing it, cleaning up a few bits and then writing up a few others if asked and getting it published. I'm never good at writing happy stories, but also try to veer away from emo. Most of the time I'm feeling very introspective when I write properly and so it tends to channel my darker thoughts in terms of what could still be satisfying, as long as it isn't Disney.

Hmmm, no really, I don't write emo. Ok look, it's hard to explain but I'll make it straight that I'm never upset when I write a proper story, I just get inspiration (when it's actually showing its face, unlike lately) at the oddest of times.

*headdesk* I doubt that even explains it. Ok look, just read and tell me what ye think. There, that should do it. Phew.

( The Seventh Day )

11:17pm: TPK gaming
The only reason we had two survivors this session was coz they ran away.

Am rather pissed off, writing up new chars for a game setting I can barely understand right when my char was interacting well with and against other chars and realising I had too many different complexities with her that means I need to find a really obscure pathway for the next char to go to make it any way remotely different.

For the others, it might be fine. One though is getting more and more frustrated, this is his 4th loss and he's given up writing any depth into any of his chars coz there's no point to it anymore. This group swaps gm's every so often to refresh the game a bit for everyone and often have a couple characters put aside for such occasion that it would be more useful for that campaign than the other. I never had such a char and only just improved some stats with this one early tonight coz she was lacking in some areas. She had finally become worthy to remotely DO anything in a fight.

Am rather grouchy and hiding in my hobby room while the group discusses things about it out in the dining room. It's hard for me to make any new character at all as I tend to try and put depth in them and actually put effort into writing background and so forth. Method acting rp...fuck.

9:17am: How I feel about Friends
The most important things to me in my life? Well, this is a question that can be taken too literally or can be made into a metaphorical nightmare so I try to think about what I dream of the most. And that makes the most important things to be freedom, to have my family still around for many more years, to have a stable relationship from now on and to have my friends still being friends with me.

The latter I have found to be more complicated over the years as I have an attitude to things that can often cause rifts between me and others. I don't usually intend these rifts to occur, they just do. So sometimes I try to fix them and sometimes I let them just slide and all too often the fixing just makes it worse.
So recently a friend had a car accident and all I really want to do there is go over and check up on him, but then I stop and think. Sometimes I feel I am pushing myself onto people too often, taking too much an interest in their state of affairs and maybe being a bit of a clucky mother hen about their well being which can be considered suffocating especially when they really have people who they have known for years that would be more suited to this role.
Other times I tend to be so apathetic to what is going on around me I hardly notice when a friend is in need of help.
These inconsistencies make me wonder what kind of a friend I really am to people. Am I someone they can rely on and be a help when help is needed? Or am I going to be in one of my hazy states of mind that day and hardly notice, or take notice too late and then become overbearing.

I can admit I can be a little too intense sometimes. Is possibly why more and more at the Guild lately I have been asking more often if I am doing too much in a roleplaying game, should I pull back, should I stop speaking here and here, maybe if I did this differently another character would have a better chance of interaction.
This self-centred attitude is something I became aware of a few years back and have been very conscious of ever since. It results in me being a passionate gamer who gets highly wrung out about things around her or what might be going on with her character, I try to talk about my life possibly too often and maybe I'm a bit of an attention whore.
I can admit these things and I HAVE improved since it was brought to my attention through a bad experience with losing some close friends through it. But to those who did not know me before then, they would not know the difference.

If at least one things could be made clear and if this could become a record of such a thing. Being an attention whore and rather self absorbed does not mean I feel like helping a friend coz it would make me feel better. That part of the self delusion is not relevant to how I feel about my friends. They are important to me and I sometimes fear for their well being to the point of distraction. It's not a selfless or worthy thing to be worried about friends, it's nature and sometimes that everyone has...unless they're a psychotic delusional maniac...and should cherish and nurture.

I just think I take it a step too far or a step too short sometimes too often. I am hoping this can be made clear I mean no ill intent, am just a vacant headed busybody who needs to become 35 before the neurons all connect.

Be well

5:26pm: Random update
I need to read the Bible again. It helps for my tabletop rp games. Also maybe I should really read the core rules of Unhallowed Metropolis ALL THE WAY THROUGH!! I keep being surprised by different aspects of things...this also means I need to recheck where I put all my points in my character as she's about to become a demolitions expert anarchist and I don;t want to cut any corners.

Anywho. Off to Lazertag tonight with friends and boyfriend. Geekiness shall ensure. Btw, question of the day...would Felicia Day be a good addition to the series 'The Big Bang Theory'?

Discuss ;)


(EDIT: I just realised how much of a nerd I am when I read back on this. Ye gods woman)

6:16am: Ode to Editing Frustrations
So many projects, so little time
I look at my computer and I let out a little whine

Why is my brain so buggered?
Why can't I film more stuff?
All that my brain comes up with
Is hopeless bits of fluff.

How can I see the final shot?
How can I cut the clips?
Why did I choose a passion
That has me in such a fix?

So hopeless is the Editor's Curse
I cannot see an end
Must make these images fit in
Some problems I must mend

Premiere Pro, it's definitely NOT
It's not the system to see
But I can't get a mac Book yet
Two grand is too much for me

Nobody willing to make my music
Not one soul with whom I can share
They now are offering to pay me
for original works if I dare

But only original sounds can I use
Only original sights
I have the sights but not the sounds
and that makes muses take flight

I got the project in my head
Why can't it come out to play
Clipping and cutting and smoothing this mess
Screw it, for another day

6:53am: Quote of the Day
"To be acknowledged for who and what I am; no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but the simple truth of that recognition has been the elemental drive of my existence and it must be achieved if I am to live or die with dignity."

Robin Williams, Bicentennial Man

I wish I had the courage to fully admit what I am to my family and then face the world with these words in my heart. Sometimes it bugs me, most of the time it doesn't. But when it does it itches where I can't reach and it's in those few moments in between the happy life I currently live that I regret I cannot be totally myself to absolutely everyone in my little world...my mother inclusive.
My chosen faith ideals, behaviour towards social situations and my sexual preferences are all things I keep shadowed and only share to certain people. This quote makes a little tear come into my eye every time I hear it as it signifies the bravery so many must show to make themselves completely proud of who they are. I applaud them.

4:54pm: Vacation Freakout Video
Am just popping this up here so people who DIDN'T know I went on a vacation a few weeks back, well, now know. And those I went to see will now know what I was like the day before takeoff (have a fear of flying and yet I live between countries. Go figure)

It was fun to make, but hard to get up due to conversion problems so now a lot more clips should follow shortly...well...as I get my muses together to actually DO them ey ;).

1:31am: 5 Questions lead to more questions no doubt!
Taken from woran and this part of her LJ
http://woran.livejournal.com/40144.html

A little question meme:

* Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."

* I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity

* Update your journal with the answers to the questions. Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions. (I'll also answer more, if asked.)


My comment in there baffled her, hence the first question

---

1: Star Trek Middle Earth crossover... Why?
When I used to write fanfiction all the time, many ideas came up and this was one of them. It was also one I decided to spend more time planning than actually writing it, so I had a complete and, hopefully, believable setting to place my story in that would have people going "Oh yeh, Borg attacking elves. We can handle that" while the WTF factor still reigned strong. I love mind screwing with people and this was one crossover I have been wanting to go back to it, but first the hurdle of re-finding and writing the next chapter and notes will have to happen as I lost the rest of the story when the computer crashed and took a lot of my stories with it. The first chapter was put up though...and it's still there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1297834/1/A_Strange_New_World

2: If you had unlimited recources (time, money, skills, ect.) what kind of costume would you make?
First I would lose a ton of weight, then I would make the perfect combination of leather and cloth for a battle worthy, yet quite sexy Amazonian type two-piece outfit with a shaped, supporting bodice that leaves the stomach bare, cloth draping over the shoulders and down the arms a bit, half-length leather patched pants that stopped halfway down the thighs with cloth also draping about them and longer at the back...all veering in the red spectrum, all able to not get caught up in the weaponry and definitely awesome to look at and run in. It's my dream costume, have wanted it to be made somehow for ages...I just don't know if I'll ever find the chance to make or wear it seeing as I no longer know what I will be doing with my life from now on (don;t read too much into that. I'm just trying to find stability, and I think I have found a good place right now...but I may still be moving back. Just got a BF to worry about now too)

3: If you could import one thing from the netherlands for free, what would it be?
Just ONE thing? But I wanted to get as much larp weapons over here as was humanly possible!! Otherwise I think I would somehow get my Djembe here, if customs wasn't such a biatch.


4: What's your LARP weapon of choice?
Bow...and Staff. But It's hard to choose, so I say both in terms of how well I can use them :P

5: What's your favorite geek pet peeve?
WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME IF EDWARD IS SO DAMNED HOT AND OMG VAMPIRES ARE LIKE TEH COOLEST AND SPARKLE SPARKLE AND IT MUST BE FANTASY WRITING COZ OTHER VAMPIRE STORIES SIT IN THE FANTASY SECTIONS!!!! *twitches like she has a chronic disease about Twilight*

6:11pm: This is ridiculous...
...I have about as much energy as an invalid and sleep just as long. I get tired in the late afternoon and need to force myself to stay awake till about 9pm at which point the need to passout overrides my sanity. If I behave, I take a nap in the afternoon, but the last time I did that I slept solid till the next day. Nearly 20 hours of sleep with even more needed after that.
Even if I make myself active, it is a severe chore to remain awake unless my brain is being constantly stimulated by outside influences that I can interact with. So even watching a movie doesn't do anything.

Am so tired. Even now and I have only been focussing on logistical house things today. I go to start the dishes and fall asleep on my feet, only to jolt awake a few minutes later. My brain does not want to focus on anything, even things I need to do like some pretty important calls I need to make which I need to do tomorrow even though they were due yesterday.

Chris gets concerned. The last time he saw someone sleeping as much as I did, they were dying. I severely doubt my life could get that dramatic so I'm wondering if it's just my body trying to cope with the complete lack of sugars that usually would help it run. I still find it stupid and annoying though as this week is a pretty busy one for me and I can barely keep awake to actually do anything with it. The washing is late, the dishes need to be done, my clothing on my side of the (yes we have one, by gods we are lucky) walk in closet need to be sorted and folded. At least I was able to get a haircut from mum yesterday so visually I look better, which affects my mood positively.

Oh mood-wise I am doing fine. Getting depressed over lack of chocolate is a natural withdrawel symptom and can be combatted by vitamins and such...but apart from that I am reletively happy. I just wish I could stay awake more and hold onto the energy I need to make the house and myself reflect that mood.

Just so damned tired...and sugarless coffee just tastes like ick. I'll only drink it if I am desperate.

6:46am: Talk Like a Pirate Day
International Talk Like a Pirate Day was yesterday, and after a few weeks of advertising it I managed to get togther 11 people to flash mob it in Perth central. We were yaaaarrring and ahooying and brawling, dressing like pirates and acting like em for a good 45 minutes (even though it was supposed to only go for 10, we got carried away and couldn't get out of character for a while) to the point that we crashed a bar, got depressed that we might not old enough to drink grog there (joke from the last time a flashmob met up there and a few kids got kicked out for not having ID even though they were only going to eat) and then charged towards Maccas where we were dying of thirst by that time.

Our throats were RAW!

Not much food was consumed. We mainly drank and icecreamed our way to relief. There are photos and film but neither have been posted yet. The film needs to be cleaned up and a friend of mine filmed it all with her cam. So she'll be sending me the footage to edit up a bit and then I'll pop it on YT.

Photos shall arrive shortly.

11:26pm: Out of SPITE...
...I caught the bouquet tonight at my niece's wedding! Ditsy short hip hop skirts and dainty shoes were no match for stripey sock attack by sliding, steel boned corset and a dive of non-elequence to the floor to collide with the podium and hold up them flowers with a grin of triumph!

I told Donna a year ago I would get them flowers no matter what, just so others would not get them. She lost it laughing when she remembered my vow, but back then I had no boyfriend. Now I do...so none of the other girls wanted to aknowlege my existance after that, not like what would have happened if one of their own got it. Fawning and titsiness galore would have ensued.

Because the freaky deeky dutch darko fat chick got it? Jeeeaaalooouuusyyyyy!

At least I like to think so. And after all the weddings I have ever been to, this is my first bouquet.

SQUEEE!

1:08am: We female? Or geeks? Or both?
Chris read this one out to me the other day. I remmeber hearing it some time ago so it was a pleasant refresher. This is just to share a good old bit of laughter and fun and a challenge...can anyone pinpoint whether this was real or faked? Either way, it is beyond brilliant.

----

“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca (female) and Gary (male).
——————————————-

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. ” A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.”Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.


Gary
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent,chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
B*tch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea – w*ore.


(TEACHER)
*A+ – I really liked this one.*

12:23pm: Fast Kitty :take 2
Here's the same video as before. Now posted on Vimeo. Apart from Vlogging, I have had it with YouTube.

3 years faithful service with YouTube...whatever.

8:31am: Nitro the Turbo Cat VIDEO!!
Yeah I finally got the footage together and made a proper vid. It's one project down, 20 to go -_-





(EDIT: Never mind. Even though I looked everywhere online to make sure I didn't break WMD's really really (and it is becoming so bloody ridiculous that I felt like screaming and throwing something across the room) REALLY stupid uptightarsed copyright IDEAS (no, not laws. Coz this is not about laws, this is about something else. Money.) I STILL managed to somehow breach it.
It listed that Prodigy was under different distributers, the music I used for the video. But since maybe a couple songs of theirs got distributed once decades ago, they now own all rights to all their songs.

Oh yeh. Am pissed off now. It's a very very intense rage that is roiling in the pit of my stomach. Even when I try not to step on copyright claims, I still managed it./ This video was supposed to help my creativity move on. Well fucking thank nothing of fucktards it has flown.

When I get dressed later on and get ready to head out. I'll set up the cam and talk about it. Maybe I'll go Angry Auzzie (look him up on YouTube sometime) about it, which means covering your ears

Pure and BLOODY SIMPLE!!

The only place I found info that Prodigy was distributed by WMD was through Wikipedia...the ONLY PLACE!!! NOWHERE ELSE ONLINE COULD I FIND ANY SUCH INFORMATION! WHO THE HELL DO THE TARDS THINK THEY ARE??????

(changes mood from 'awake' to something else)

8:36am: Life can be vewy vewy...interesting
Chris and I talked about it all. Finally opened up. It may sound strange and business-like, but we have made a mutual agreement. We are not officially engaged, but according to our emotional wellbeing, love for one another, trust in our relationship and the dual directions we wish to go in our lives...we are just as committed as if he really had proposed to me down on one knee.

It is not the time to be doing such things though so he promised that if and when we truly do get engaged, it will be a long one. I am in full agreement with this. So many of my friends and family seem to plan it all from day one, wheras I wouldn't mind taking time about it and saving up some well earned money so we need not borrow or request from anyone. Again, so businesslike and formal, but this is how we think about things. It's why we work. We're very geeky and both have a romantic side (Chris setting up a wonderful gourmet dinner with three mates of his for their girlfriends too and making us 4 sit down and just enjoy it allfor Valentines. We three girls got very blushy and giggly as the night progressed) and Chris never really has lost it in any way, surprising me with little tokens and things that make me appreciate him just that much more.

But again, when it comes to out lives together, we get very formal. It's all very well for the moments of gigglyness if he does go down on one knee, but then reality comes along. We try to focus on that a little more sometimes due to us both being highly imaginative, gamers, geeks and not entirely socially normal. It needs more attention then or we get distracted.

But in any case. The confusion was solved and all is well now. We are not engaged, not quite. But both know it will happen sometime if we keep going like we have.

----

On other stuff. Was watching Star Trek TNG "The Big Goodbye" of the first season and got this overwheling sense of nostelgia, homesickness, aching for it to be real and just generally something I think a lot of LARPers might feel when they get immersed in a world and wish so desperately for it to be truly real, if only for that moment.
I wish holodecks were real, so I could walk in them and be standing IN a world of my choice instead of being forced out of it constantly when my eyes open or reality steps in. Also it would mean I would hardly need to escape inside my head like I do all too often (means I can keep myself amused while in an empty room for quite some time) and could really have something substantial to work from.

( More under here if you want to read through it all )

And that is a summery, mind you. Just a little summery of what is happening lately and going to be happening over the next months. This coming weekend I go to Chris's brother's wedding, and the next weekend is my niece's wedding...you might recall her from a picture I posted a while back of us holding a snake. Am supposed to be going to her hens night after this upcoming wedding, but I think I need to pass. I think kyu_kage can quote me on why. Following that is Talk Like a Pirate Day and there will be a Perth Flashmob happening on that date for that event, so there is prepping for that, then Chris's sister's birthday which will be Las Vegas pirate themed...fun combo. The following that is Albany, a trip down south with Chris for a few days so I won't be seeing Symbols photos till a few days after it is over (someone bring a damned video cam PLEASE!) and then October...

Yeh

Life is...interesting.

4:34am: The Interweb Free Media
And this is what happens if you let me loose on the net for a few days while ill. I got looking up Dr Horrible stuff...yes I am lazy with linkage.

(first part followed by the others found here. If you have not seen it, DO SO!!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apEZpYnN_1g

SoI find Felecia Day'sstuff. And then I find her online mini series called The Guild

(recent musicvideo found here)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU

(and the series website found here)
http://www.watchtheguild.com

And then through that I discovered the WRONGEST THING a geek can find on the interweb free media.

The Legend of Neil. Warning, not safe for kiddies, watch at your own discretion. I lost it laughing at the musical at the end...WRONG WRONG WRONG. Yes it is a series, yes Season 2 is already out. It IS wrong, I don't say to bring a brain into this one, just let your mind go into the gutter and you'll be fine. Zelda Geeks...beware.

http://www.effinfunny.com/legend-of-neil

And this is what happens when you let me loose on the web.

4:28am: Confusion Part 2
And so I am just updating a little (yeah right).

I read over the replies to my last entry and figure a response to them would only be justified if I gave it its own entry. Also, both Sna and Maglok had a rather logical and (for at least one of them) firm bang into the head discussion about what one should be doing when confronted with such situations.
It was not necessarily the proposal, or lack of one or whatever, that were part of the discussions (also I feel Kyu Kage wanted to talk but I have been ill all day and did leave him a message to call me back. So he might do so come morning...or afternoon when I am actually awake). It was mainly the way I handled it.

I really should consider the position both him and I are in right now, what with the house being suddenly his and me staying here no longer out of care for his father, but now because of him alone, the passing of his father, the logistical nightmare of sorting through belongings and being forced to replace them with his own to turn the house into his own, and all of which goes with that.

With all things considered (plus the fact I am drugged rather to the gills and beyond right now just so I can sleep without wincing. Viruses hurt muscles), it's not really a great time for me to suddenly confront him with what is going through my head until he gets his week off work as of Thursday. Being a 7 day on, 6 off night shift security worker, we do not get proper together time as often as we'd like. Though we do spend the little time inbetween around eachother with as much love as possible to make up for the hours, sometimes days we barely see eachother.
I am content with this arrangement and cannot feel bitter at all as I am not left wanting. At all.
And this is what possibly makes me nervous and jittery in the first place. If I confront him, I get this feeling that I am copping out. That I am the one needing confirmation that he really wants me as his wife instead of just trusting what may come and letting the little special moment that most girls dream of just occur as it should. But then I doubt. My paranoia from years of being led by false hopes and dead-end dreams sometimes rears its ugly head up and goes "you screwed up. He asked you and you mocked him...now he'll let you stew in it for years".
Now I have no problem with part of this paranoia...years. If we are together for years, I know we'll be together for even longer as we both have a cutoff point in ourselves about how long a bad relationship can last.
This is not one, and so if it lasts years and he doesn't ask again, at least we will be still together.

We have only been together for 8, coming up 9 months. Our first kiss was on New Years and that was after 2 months of heavy duty courting on his part due to me being severely man-shy for various reasons to the point I felt just being gay was SO much easier. And for a time, it was. Until this guy just couldn't leave well enough alone and asked, persistantly, if he could just court me. And if anything happened...then it would be mutual. I went into a 'Yes Man' mode and eyerolled my way into two of the most interesting and intriguing months of my life, followed by 8 months that I barely felt.

It may seem fast, but we both sometimes have to stare at eachother for a long moment and go "Why are we not 60 already? It feels that long."

We have our differences. He pointed out that I am the extrovert and that he is the one who is content with being alone and such in his own space. This also allows me my moments of solitude when I need them and then it compliments us both so we hardly at all EVER smother eachother, coz then each moment we do spend together is just that little more precious.
I am the one who invites larger groups of people over, but then I am also the one responsible for them as is the unspoken arrangement. He has his groups of friends he likes over too, but this tends to be more for a gaming situation or LANs or generally needing another male in the house to be 'man dudes' with. And because I am always more comfortable with the opposite sex as I very rarely actually feel as physically attracted (and therefore less jittery), this works out very fine.
If only a bunch of females come over, there needs to be at least one guy or a female who is extremely down to earth to stop me from getting nervous. I can't help it if a girl catches my eye. Chris finds it cute and has absolutely NO problem with it. Another reason we get along so well.
We are also very monogomous, something I probably would have had trouble with a couple years back. But I think I got that stage of my life out of my system and also because I am so comfortable with this relationship it means I sometimes feel slight guilt when thinking of going to Spank (an alternative event where it's essentially Rocky Horror Picture Show and free thinking and love for a night. One does not HAVE to get fully involved and can just dance and have fun. But Somehow I feel it's just wrong for me now. I could only do it if I were single...and I really do not want to be single).

Sometimes we get irritated with eachother, especially when I try to get him interested in something, if only vaguely and to Humour Me, that I am passionate about and he goes "Yeh, and?" About then I frown and tell him how much this thing means to me and could he at least try to put a bit of effort in. He does the same with me when I got for weeks without playing a single game with him on the LAN (gamer geeks, ye gotta love us) and he feels slightly regected. This is about as intense any argument goes. When we yell at eachother, it's with a laugh and usually a punchline as we try to match a battle of wits.

It probably also unnerves the neighbours a bit so I really hope this house is soundproof.

I might be sharing a lot about our relationship. But in reality, I am not. There is so much more beyiond what I share. What I say here is what people also see of us. I doubt very much so that we are different people when there are others around. In fact I think having others brings out our better sides even moreso coz we can then share things with other people and have fresh input for discussions in the future.

Chris may be an introvert, his own words, but I only get the talking problem from genetics. My father was the exact same and my mother was quite a bit like Chris in the social sense. So I have the luck and joy of already being used to this situation. I also don't have to try to be positive all the time for his sake. If I want to be positive, I do it for myself. Coz I know it's the only way I can truly appreciate the life around me, even if things look bleak in the financial or family's future.
But if we need to be depressed for a while. We're allowed to. I can let myself fall into a slump for a week or two, and because I feel no guilt for it, I can pull myself out naturally and just move on. I also give this to Chris. We hardly have to even discuss it, it's just done.

Maybe this self revelation is also led on by the fact I am on pescription pain meds and am fighting the urge to pass out, like sleeping gas, and it is also relaxing me somewhat.

I had better stop soon before I fall asleep right here.

To conclude. I think I am jittery and nervous and phasing out about possibly being prosposed to because it truly is a terrifying concept. It's not really a fear of my own reaction anymore, nor what his would be. But a fear of something new, something I very rarely let myself ever feel in any relationship I have had. A fear that Fate could possibly be this nice.

A fear of hope. And with that, I go to bed and wonder if I should just let life be and see what happens next, or should I take the next step and do it myself like the feminist within demands.






Screw it. I'm a romantic and so is he. He bought me a rose and teddy the other day because he saw it and thought I might like it...and for no other reason than that.
He'll ask me properly if he really wants to, now that he knows I need him to be proper about it. And when and if he does, I'll say...

3:27am: Confusion
So Chris sorta popped the question in an unnofficial way in the car the other day, giving me the shock of my life and also making me slightly irritated coz at the time I couldn't say yes or no coz I didn't know if he was being serious.

Then he said he was being serious.

So I asked him why would he ask me in the car. He shrugged and looked a little hurt that I wasn't taking him seriously. I asked him to, if he asks me again, to do it in a more conventional way so at least I'd know what was happening directly.

Then I felt kinda queasy coz I had shrugged off a possible proposal. Then we dropped the subject and just continued to drive.

This was a few days ago and the feeling has grown. My slight fever isn't helping it much and the little panic attacks I get from said fever don't seem to be applying much aid to my general emotional state of being.

Should have I taken him seriously? Did I actually get proposed to and just didn't see it? Are we really meant to be? Gamer Pete at the Guild on Saturday mentioned him and I seemed to be clicking so well and just working like a perfect match. Being unalike and alike in enough ways to find variety enough in a relationship. Does this mean I am becoming comfortable in my life right now? Do I even WANT to move back to the Netherlands if I become established?

Cue confusion and slight panic here.

Is it a bad thing, really, if someone wants to marry me? I mean sure, girls love to plan their perfect wedding and all such things but my unconventional ideals about such a party have ensured that most likely people will be bringing food and it will be held outside with extreme geeky surroundings. And then comes the rest of our lives.

Oh god oh god. I know it seems silly to be worried over, but mostly I am worried about if I really did hurt his feelings if he really did ask the question and I had laughed it off.

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN LAUGHS OFF A PROPOSAL?????

*headdesk*

3:16pm: VLOG TIME!!!
Yep, made a video. In the side annotations I put some info, so I'll just C&P it here.

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So I have tried uploading this for 3 days now. Headache the entire time. The first time I did it, it was without sound, second time the quality was shot. All other times Premiere Pro itself was being an a-hole and I'd love to get Avid sometime soon so I might be rid of this annoyance.

Ok, so this is indeed an update. I am looking for inspiration to make more mini movies so if you'd like to subscribe or leave a message below, I might be able to work with the options you may give to me. Anything at all, my muses beckon to you.

Just leave a message with an idea for something you want to see about Australia or Perth or the geeky world of gamers or anything else you might think me capable of and I'll see what I can work out and start posting up on a more regular basis.

7:07pm: Year of the Blood Donor
Just got back from donating blood. Am a little short of breath due to giving a little more than usual, they had to take tests for bone marrow capabilities so I could donate that too. But am, little light headed...am cool.

I did find out I have completely compatible universal blood though. Can donate to absolutely everyone, even babies. But I need to make sure they have some of it stored away for my own use just in case as I can't recieve just any blood. Is cool though, there's still plenty of it around for our use.

It got me smiling though that it's really just a small thing, but in some way getting up and doing this made me feel useful. No longer just sitting back and letting the world pass me by, but getting up and being a part of it. Not a complete moocher in other words. Even though I really do need to lay down and just take it easy, the body being completely unused to this kind of treatment though it can be considered healthy to force the body to flush itself out and speed remake blood cells, I just thought I'd share. Might be a thing everyone should do once in a while. Ye know, for Year of the Blood Donor?

11:41pm: Insvisible values
(this was written 22 hours ago, but for some damned reason I haven't been able to post. Am putting it up anyway, never mind how out of date it is. Funeral was packed, mainly dragracing community all in their jackets and jeans, like Ken requested, with his more moderate family a little taken aback by the sheer turnout. The wake here was very crowded too, mum had a hard time keeping up with the food, but she managed and we even had some to spare for tomorrow. Chris went to be around 9pm, is now near midnight and I am shattered. Am off to bed now. tootles.)


I'm supposed to be awake in 5 hours, but as tired as I am and unready for the intense day ahead, I figured to share this little tidbit I got in email.


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A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk. A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.


No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.


Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Bostonand the seats average $100.00 each.


This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?


One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:


If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing some of the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing....?



Make time to appreciate each day, and value the important things, especially those who love you and treat you right. If life has given you a second chance for happiness and love, don't blow it, grab them with both hands and hold on tight. Get your priorities right.

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If my kids even want to stop and listen to someone playing music and I might be late for something...another appointment can be made. Never ever ever lose a chance to show your child something amazing, or they'll grow up like every other robot. I think it takes a child's perception to make us realize what we are missing in the world. I'm going to go outside and stare at Mars now. It's the second brightest thing in the sky even now, and the deadline for it being its brightest in thousands of years doesn't happen till the end of this month.

It's something that Ken never even got to start experiancing. I'll appreciate it now.


(EDIT: Livejournal is fail right now. When others will finally see this, it'll be the next day anyway. It's not letting me post a damned thing. Anyone else getting these problems at the time of 17.40-GMT?)

10:48pm: Encore...
I was flipping through the channels and came across Andre Rieu. Anytime he comes on, I always try to watch him. This song was playing, and in the circumstances with the funeral in two days and things beginning to affect us in various different ways...this song and clip brought tears to my eyes as I imagined that one day, I wish to shake this man's hand and thank him for everything he has done for us.
Not many know him personally, but he brings tears to most eyes or joy to their hearts. He makes them feel emotions usually left buried. He brings out the true soul. Listen to him on ocassion, journal readers, and you will, I assure you, feel his undying love for the music he plays and shares with us with all your heart.

12:14am: Bad new...good news...stuff
Chris's dad died Sunday August 2nd. Around midday.

No one expected it to be so sudden even though he was so sick. Chris is still in deep shock, he broke down earlier and I had to be standing and hold him. I think it'll hit me later one. Right now, all I feel is this burning feeling of rage that is growing. Little things make me fly off the wall and I get the urges to break things.
He's sleeping right now. I'll go join him in a bit.

On other subject. finally got the Steampunk photo from last year's Steampunk Ball. I look a lot thinnner in this one. It's before my sciatic attacks and when I could still ride and exercise. Also my hair is way longer.
All them other folks are my Gamers Guild buddies and Reinactors.




If only to lighten the mood some.

1:08am: I was an idiot and watch Stephen King's 'The Mist' to the end.

Goddammit. Paranoia ensues

3:10am: Fastest Tax Return ever
Just got my tax return. it is below $1000, but not by much. Am almost weeping with happiness.

Even by getting fired, I still got something. Debts will be paid off now. Dear gods...I only wish I could say the same for the ones I have in Holland. But this is such a relief since I never was eligable for the stimulus package almost every other low income earner got in this country. All I need now is a job, but that can wait. this should last me another couple of months seeing as my expenditure isn't very high since I sort of mooch of the boyfriend. He prefers this anyway as I'm not really in a position to be looking for work atm and government payouts only work if you are an active jobseeker.

Tax returns. Pretty much it's only my second one ever since I managed to never ever understand the tax system in Netherlands and I was too young to have filed one here before I left the country. My dad helped for the other one last time. This one was done by the BF's accountant sister.

Lucky. Very very lucky.