Daily Dose of Everything

Dissapointment
I'm not acting depressed, I just am realising life is becoming one big dissapointment.

For one thing, I have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. I thought being a journalist was it, but do I want to spend the rest of my life writing articles for some newspaper and never really have my own say in things? This new feeling has been making me restless lately, am feeling adrift all over again.
Seriously, I want to write, but there is no future in writing alone. J.K Rowling has beat me to anything big I could do, like writing a children's book with my own plotline. Unfortunatley my idea would now be called partial plagerism, I've had to rethink my whole plot, and it's all come to a screeching halt. Just yesterday, I realised my Muse story was going absolutely nowhere fast...and it was time to just leave it alone.
My poems, well, I don't know if drabble even counts as a poem. I really just write how my mind is working at the time and it's often complete nonsense...go figure.

So life is a batch of disspointments. I'm going to call up for an audition as an extra for Harry Potter's 4th movie. I got the contact number and everything from a nice girl, will try it out. And while I'm in London that weekend, seeing as it has to be a wekend as I'm not even on the same landmass, I think I'll go check out the local theatres and see if there are anymore auditions at that moment in time. I dunno, maybe I'll be lucky and get a part in a play or something...Death of a Salesman and I play the street waif, wonderful.
What happened really to make me feel so blue is that anything that I have been looking forward to this year is gone or definately not near enough for me to even try.

For one, I can't go to the Elf Fantasy Fair this year as I'll be in Australia and they pushed the date back to June instead of April. It has messed up a years worth of planning big time.
Another thing is I can't go to Aust for more than a month...one single month...god DAMN you!! I have NO idea when I'll see my freaken family again and they give me a month to say my final farewells and possibly hug my neices and nephews once more before they all turn into adults on me. I'm just feeling worn down.
Then again on top of that, do I even want to go back home? To face all that heartache and leave with a cement-encased heart all over again? I don't know anymore.
Then today, these drugs are killing me I swear...I couldn't even work properly and it was showing this time. I couldn't hide it. Agnus had to even stop the line to ask me what the hell was going on. I had no idea at the time, but later I showed her the Pennys and told her I had to take them four times a day and she looked at the dosage. It's 400mg, a bit much to take even for a bed ridden patient...and I work every day as a labourer...it's a bit much...yeah. So my face was burning with shame and embarressment that the weakness actually showed and I pushed myself past my limit after that to show I could still work...it wore me out.
Also, about a month ago I was working full pelt on this story for a fanfic challenge. It was slashy of course, but not explicit, I didn't even expect to win or anything ye know, it was a good plot bunny exterminator. The day they were going to announce the winners was yesterday my time, but today theirs so I had to wait for this arvo to let the timezones catch up...and I saw who won...and who the others who submitted were...and I wasn't there.
My submission...a full month ago...right on the due date and she even write back to say she got it...went missing. I sent it again on Friday, apparently she never got it as my fic doesn't even exist in there...my panic that last night was for absolutely zilch. No offence...but that fucking hurts ye know...being ignored is one thing, but to work so hard at something even if it's crap and then be totally flipped off is just plain fucking wrong. I could have submitted it anywhere by now, got some feedback and all, and now I just can't freaken be bothered.
Bye bye story...go to hell you piece of CRAP!!

Sorry, I'm just disspointed in everything, my life, my future, myself...everything is just going wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.

It just hurts ye know, to be thought of as a lost caused when all you really WANT to do is help people, but fail miserably at it everytime. These pills are ruining my life, my stories are dying, my future is dead and a void of confusion...I don't know what to do anymore.

I just...wish I had talent in something that counted, anything, dancing is so cool nowadays...I wish I could dance. Singing is the top thing now, I can't sing. Have no diplomas in anything, no skills, no past experiance...being a freak is stupid and glare-worthy...and that's my sole talent.

I hate my life right now...it's not as bad as a lot of others, but really...I just hate it.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Ebudea (Enya)

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